Today was one of those days that wears on you. It seems as if the day keeps going and that the sun can't set fast enough. That almost sounds like a depressing opener to a Kate Chopin novel. The day wasn't particularly taxing until the ride home from the job. As a side note, it seems as if the light at the intersection of Mound Rd. and Metro Parkway is timed to let exactly 2.5 cars through the light in a 17 minute span. Nevertheless, I was angrier than a legless Ethiopian watching a doughnut role down a hill. By the time I got home, in the words of Laura Ingles Wilder, I was plum tuckered out. It was... NAP TIME (cue reverential music).
Now for those of you desk chair nappers, I say this: you are killing yourself. A 10 minute nap just won’t cut it and that's about all you can get away with without the cerebral cortex subconsciously telling you to wake up. You aren't living and might as well be going through life as if in the Matrix (Hello, Mr. Anderson). Therefore, I give you as never, before the secrets to napping, complete and unabridged.
1. You must find a quiet place. The kids should be caged up and the dog should be sent off to see Jack London. I would suggest a couch or I daresay your own bed. However, this is for emergencies only. Repeated bed napping can definitely throw your sleeping pattern a serious knuckleball.
2. This safe haven must be dark. You can't sleep in the light. You have to close the blinds, kill the lights, and hang a towel over the window if you need to. The sleep will come much quicker.
3. The nap must be a certain time. Any more than 45 minutes and you're flirting with your deep sleep cycle. The deep sleep cycle is like that blonde in the middle of the party. She's so easy to flirt with, but as soon as you flash the charisma she's seeing kids, a pickett fence, and weekend trips to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. A word to the wise: hit the brakes or risk a stage 5 clinger. It's the same way with a nap. No more than 45 minutes and no less than 20 minutes.
4. When napping you must prop the feet slightly as with a recliner or throw pillow system. Also, neck support is crucial. You must cradle the neck. I would suggest a rolled up towel or ergonomic pillow.
5. If you watch anything on the tube watch golf. There is something embedded in the human frontal lobe which causes tranquility while watching a golf tournament. It could be the soft voices of the announcers or the nature around the outside, but whatever it is, it works.
The secrets of napping have helped those who try them out. The don't knock it till you tried it mantra defiinitely applies. Test it out and give me some feedback at IvyLeagueBound@aol.com. Most importantly the world needs more naps. Without them there would be a universe full of crazies like Paulie Shore.
